So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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