I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
