oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
