I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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