I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
