I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
