i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
