I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize