it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
