I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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