woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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