shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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