The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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