don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
