Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
