I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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