She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
This is classic penis vs brain.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
