I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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