I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Randomize
