sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
