dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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