My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
