Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
