You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Bring me that man meat
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
