what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Randomize
