So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Send help, water and tortillas.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
