She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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