He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize