Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
