she was so not down for the gang bang
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
