Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
