My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
