I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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