I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize