I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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