New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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