I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
