just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
