So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
