My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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