Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
