my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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