I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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