I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
