Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
