why im i the only drunk person in the library?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
