dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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