New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Someone came in the potted fern
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
