The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
