I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
