Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Randomize
