This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
my poor anus
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
