Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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