what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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