Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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