If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
