The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
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