There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
