So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize