Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
