Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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