I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
